Here's an extract of what story I'm trying to come up with. Tell me your opinions:

This is my first foray into comedy so if it isn’t that funny or doesn’t amuse you fully.....

BITE ME

Have you ever thought about how good luck, or maybe bad luck, happens? Or the time you asked that hot girl or guy out and he or she suddenly accepts it and gradually it becomes the relationship of your life? Or the time you thought you could fix the kitchen sink but it went horribly wrong, turning your house into an aquarium? Well, your questions are answered!

Apparently, whether good luck or bad luck happens is caused by the various antics of mysterious creatures called ‘Luckees’. These beings are totally invisible to the naked eye, naked light, naked robot vision, naked heat vision or any other vision there is. They are lighter than a dandruff falling out of your hair and come in various colours of the rainbow. Every person has two of them and their size is no larger than an index finger you keep using to pick your nose or pick your friend’s nose.

These ‘Luckies’ have the same gender type of male and female and it depends on the gender of that lucky person/victim. So, if it’s a guy, he has 2 ‘Luckees’ on him and so on. Good or bad luck happens is a result of what these mischievous beings want to do. They SEE what you SEE since they sit atop of your head and have total control of the environment around you. Yes, TOTAL control of the environment and every single object around you. They could make that cup of soda you’re grasping tightly in your hand spill onto your shorts if they wanted to. BUT the only major drawback is that they have to make it look natural and not totally extraordinary and make it dependant on your every action. If they do make it extraordinary, their body parts start to disappear one by one starting from their fingers depending on how serious their actions are.

This story follows of one such pair of ‘Luckees’ on an 18 year old British guy who’s in college and just had his driving license and his first car. So far, he’s had an extremely goody-goody-two-shoes life, too goody goody perhaps, but that’s all about to change.....

This is just an Intro, mind you. Still being worked on.

===================================================